Sitting there looking up and gazing into the stars, I couldn’t tell if I was lonely or if I just imagined this moment to be different from what it actually was.
It was much more complicated than just that. It was like a deep longing for something that I couldn’t quantify. My thoughts ventured out into the more anxious ripples of the giant unexplored sea as I felt a ship sinking in the depths of my abdomen.
“What’s happening to me? Why do I feel this way?”
Those tiny dots of hope in the sky never do have the answers to my questions; all they do is wink back at me. No matter what I do or what I ask them, they always wink back at me. Sometimes I get angry at these small dots in the sky for not showing me an easier path, but in time I have come to appreciate their neutrality to everything. They know that there is no right answer to anything, and so they choose to answer all your questions with silence. That right there is true wisdom.
Tonight, however, I felt something new, something fresh. It was strange, yet it was comforting, almost like imagining yourself climbing through the tides to reach the full moon in the clear night. I felt a longing. I wanted to know more, I had to know more.
What is up there in those stars? I mean I know that there is Hydrogen and stuff, but what is really up there? Is there somebody exactly like me up there in one of those bright fortresses who is also trying to quantify the very essence of everything and every feeling? I know so little, and so does everybody else, but I don’t want to be like everybody else.
It’s funny how people think that they know so much about themselves and some even stop trying to go deeper into what lies within them. When I look around me, one of the biggest flaws that I see but don’t understand is how people compensate their lack of self-knowledge with knowledge of the things around them.
People get lost, and they find things to bury themselves in. Some work their asses off and others live their lives one bottle at a time, but in essence, both end up doing the same thing- distracting themselves from something that they don’t yet fully understand. The difference between most people and me is that I choose to think about everything; even some things that I know will drive me crazy. If the path is hard, I don’t want to avoid it. I want to walk down it with a sickle in my hand, cutting my way through. I want to understand why people tell others to just stay out of it for the sake of their safety. I want to see what beast lurks in these forests and I want to look it in the eye and understand where it came from and how to become its friend instead of hiding like most people do.
It’s strange that somewhere down the line we make a choice to learn more about what is around us than what is within us, we choose to bury ourselves and in the process forget that we are literally burying ourselves.